You will notice that our web mastery is about as impressive as our dancing.

We, the Alford Morris Men exist in the Lincolnshire Badlands 'twixt Wold and Marsh. We were formed in August 1977 after two itinerant Coypu rustlers, who hailed from the Alford district of Tunisia, were wandering drunkenly in the far north of the country and happened to sight heathens of the Great Grimsby Wapentake performing incestuous fertility rites one misty Mayday morn. After being sworn to secrecy by the evil Northeners, Robin and Michel promptly returned to Alford and commenced lampooning the Fishmen's performance before the massed sots at the abode of 'Dicko', the infamous Half Moon Hostelry.

The craze soon took off, and so did most of Dicko's customers. However, a paltry comatose few remained, sufficient to be manacled by the adventurous pair and set to work putting the fertility rites to music(?). Thus were conceived the Alford Morris Men.

Over the ensuing years the side continued to grow and decline, mostly the latter. We started as a men's side only, but by about 1995 it was becoming increasingly evident that a larger number of the registered alcoholics at Dicko's dive were of the female persuasion. It was at that point that we decided to take advantage of the anomaly and bolster our dwindling numbers with WIMMIN! We are proud of the fact that we have never looked back since.

We succeeded in entering the Morris Ring in 19 Bow'n'Arrow and were members of that organisation until our AGM of 1999. At that meeting it was decided that, because of the Ring's refusal to admit mixed gender sides as Full Members, we would withdraw our membership as we feel Associate Membership is unnacceptable. Happily, we continue to be members of Open Morris.

Our dances are principally of the Cotswold traditions, though some Border dances occasionally creep into our repertoire. To prove a point we have been known to take up the longsword but space and safety restrictions usually reduce this to a plastic knife.

Our distinctive kit is redolent of the 19th. century country layabout's 'Sunday Best', consisting, as it does, of black shoes, white hose and black breeches (tied at the bottom to prevent the ferrets escaping). A white shirt and black waistcoat (with the Alford Morris patch on the back), are topped off with a gaily decorated straw hat. The side colours of green and yellow are worn as flashings to the bell pads around the knees, and as a baldrick over the shoulders.

Regular practices are held at the Half Moon, Alford, courtesy of Dave (Drink Up You Lot!) Dixon, every Sunday evening throughout the year.